Writer, Singer, Musician
Loves God’s creation
Can’t live without my friends and family
Loves to live
Loves to love
My testimony in the past has always been long drawn out and seems to me a bit braggy. I grew up in a tight-knit lower income family with parents who had left the godless life just years before. There were trials in my early childhood like losing a younger sister, though I was too young to feel the weight of her death as my parents and older brother did. From a young age, though life was good and I had a loving family and knew of Christ’s love for me, I fell into the trap of my insecurities at a young age. Around the age of eleven I became horribly ashamed of my body and looking back it seemed as if I was depressed. I really only had one friend and spent most of my time by myself in my room writing depressing poetry. I watched life go by me but never participated. This caused me to have obsessive thoughts, first about boys and then I even felt tormented by thoughts of a sensual nature. Really, I was just a lonely preteen who hated herself. I overcompensated by getting perfect grades and being ridiculously involved in church. I always had to be in leadership, I always had to be the best, or else I would feel the weight of my worthlessness grip my heart. Of course, this only made me extremely prideful, judgmental and carrying the Pharisaical attitude that is I just do enough, I will be right in God’s eyes. I really did not see a breakthrough in this area until halfway through my high school years when God was teaching me more about his grace and how it could not be earned. Also, God was letting me know in many ways how special and beautiful I was in his sight. I remember the first moment when I heard God distinctly whisper to me “You are beautiful just as you are,” as I was fussing over my appearance getting ready for a party. Then last summer, God used someone else to speak through when they said, “I believe that God wants you to hear this: You are beautiful. Let that sink in.” It was then as if an ointment was poured all over my heart soothing every sore and every crack of the times I had felt unwanted and uncherished by other people. It was then I believed it. Although I still struggle with this, God reminds me on a daily basis in various ways that he created me beautifully and intentionally just as I am.I also have fell into a few swings of depression where I have gone to old habits of isolating myself. God is continuing to teach me that not only can he heal me (and he is every day), but that he created me so as to not be alone and that I need others. I no longer desire to sit by and watch life go by, I want to participate!
Years later, every time I think of my Heavenly Father, my Creator, I think of His breath of life, how he formed me in my mothers womb and knows me inside and out. How he is infinite and is present in my life as if it were only me and him. I think of his unrelenting grace in that he is always gently beckoning me away from my sinful and harmful acts into his loving arms. I think of his mercy in that he would choose to love and unrelentingly reach out to a traitor like me. I am privileged to have been asked to be a part of him plan for creation, the Father being glorified through out all the earth. I am blessed and delighted by the dreams and passions that he has placed inside of me. What is even more awesome is that he offers this equally and freely to all of his created ones.
God has been refining me with His Potter’s hands to become more like Him and to be set-apart from the world and its patterns (Romans 12:2). He has brought and carried me through the muck of my own choices because of His grace alone. He has placed a peace and joy that remains inside of me even through trial. He has taught me many things about His beautiful character. I am falling deeper and deeper in love with my Savior, King, Abba Father, Prince of Peace, Healer, Source of Joy, Provider, Gracious Redeemer, Creator, my Closest Friend…and all of the infinite things He is that I will never fully be able to find out and could never fit on an infinite amount of pages. I live to serve Him and to sit at His feet and just love Him knowing that His love for me, His cherished daughter, is unfathomable and deep.
“For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.”
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”