Balance is Tough

As much as I would like to keep up on my blog posts, I find it very hard. I think it has to do with the fact that I am and always have been a sporadic writer. My diary entries are sometimes three months a part, sometimes a day a part. I think it might have to do with the fact that I feel as if everything that I write out needs to be a brilliant idea. This post right here, however, it completely random and pointless at the moment. Who knows, maybe it will work itself out to be something with a purpose. I realized as I logged on to my WordPress that I had not updated my blog in two years. It is not only in my blog where there has been lack of inspiration. I have also not written many decent songs, poems or short works in two years. I am so preoccupied with my academics, social life and my own issues that I see this blog mostly as effort in which I hadn’t any time to spare. At the same time, I miss it because it gave a sense of purpose to me being a writer because people were reading it! Even if it was only 5 people, the words I said and the inspiration that I had were reaching others instead of staying private in my numerous journals. Well, now numerous empty or half-filled journals.

I always struggle to keep balance in my own pursuits that don’t have a pressing deadline or a ready critic. This is probably why writing has been so hard for me. I thrive with that pressure from others or deadlines. For the Meyer’s Briggs personality test, I am a Judging type who needs that rules and structure. Not to say I am neat… I am an artist! At least that is what I would tell my mom every time she would pass my room and see piles of papers and clothes and cringe. She is a judging (likes order and hates clutter) type with a capital “J”. I struggle to keep consistent with my own pursuits when there is no ready reward, or response. This definitely will not work in the real world where personal dreams and pursuits are only begun on a blank piece of  paper in a dark room with a single desk lamp, and grow only with persistence and risk-taking. I think this slack is also due to the attitude that I have developed in years past that I really do not have anything good to say and that my unique ways of saying things are just too different.

I will not say that I am not self-motivated. I have been told that I am a hard-worker, and a determined person. However, I will be the first to admit that I am great at starting things but lack in the finishing. I am the kind of person that is overflowing with ideas and am a great initiator. If I do not see results or get distracted by another idea, many times I will leave behind that idea. Or, if I do not have instant feedback or even just someone looking over my shoulder, I may lose motivation. This is slowly changing as I am handed more responsibility without my hand being held.

I think that my main problem is living an overly complicated life. I should strive for more simplicity. I will never forget one late night in my dorm when I was avoiding studying, I came across an Einstein biographical documentary. What stuck with me is the fact that this genius lived a life of simplicity. He narrowed his life’s pursuits to three things: his research, sailing, and the violin. It was in that simplicity that he was content in persisting in these pursuits and pleasures.

In other words, I want to try more from now on to write on my blog when I want to write about anything. And not always making a sermon out of every post. I realized that some of my most popular posts were when they were about my own life and the small lessons that God taught me throughout. So, I hope to visit this space more often. I am heading back to the dark room with a single desk lamp to not only write this blog but to persist in my other pursuits.

-Bethany

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